5 Times Blaine Couldn't Say No
by Azara-Rayne18
Summary: And One Time He Did. Kurt asks Blaine to do something new in the bedroom, only to find out once it's over that Blaine was terrified to do it. Why didn't Blaine say no? Because he doesn't think he can. Flashbacks to sexual assault, abuse and pressuring.
1. Prologue

"Blaine," He says, holding Blaine's hand over a table at Breadstix. Blaine's face is so soft and beautiful, spurring him on, "I want to tie you up."

"What?" Blaine whispers, pulling his hand away and making that sweet little confused face that made Kurt ache to kiss him senseless.

"I want to tie you up," Kurt says again. Blaine has to know what Kurt means. Their relationship had been building beautifully for over a year, finally turning sexual when Kurt lovingly took Blaine's virginity – and vice versa – the night of senior prom. It was the most beautiful night of Kurt's life.

That was months ago. The summer heat is turning everything hot and lazy and Kurt wants to try something new. He's a stickler for good accessorizing, and the idea of Blaine, small and helpless with cuffs around his wrists and ankles, makes Kurt's knees go weak.

"I don't think we should be talking about this here," Blaine says.

"Of course. I'm sorry."

Kurt waits to bring it up until they're safely in his car on the way back to Blaine's house. "I just think you'd look so hot, Blaine. Lying there, helpless, not able to stop anything I decide to do to you. I wouldn't do anything bad, you know, just standard topping," Kurt blushes at this and Blaine gives him a small smile, "But knowing that I could would be so sexy…."

They finally park in front of Blaine's house and Kurt turns, silently demanding an answer. "Okay," Blaine says quietly, "I'll do it."

"Yeah?" Kurt leans over to kiss him. Blaine isn't kissing in the easy way he usually does, pulling away before the kiss even goes anywhere.

"Yeah… When do you want to?"

"Thursday." Ordinarily it would kill Kurt to wait that long for sex, but for once, the boys Dads have the same days off of work and neither house is free. Blaine's dad wants to bond with him all day Wednesday anyway – 'Soon you'll be in New York, baby boy, and then I'll never get to see you. Can't Kurt do without you for one day?' – so Kurt steels himself for the long, sexless Wednesday that lays ahead.

Thursday is worth it.

He makes out with Blaine for over an hour, relishing in the fact that soon Blaine won't able to wrap his fingers around Kurt's neck like he is, soon Blaine won't be able to control the speed and depth of their kissing. Soon Kurt brings out the cuffs – stylish things, olive green with black felt in the center – and tells Blaine to lie down in the center of the bed. He swats Blaine's cute little backside when the boy doesn't move fast enough, and kisses him some more when he obeys. Blaine is trembling, and his breath smells odd, something unpleasant hiding beneath what seems like a bottle of mouthwash. Blaine doesn't resist when Kurt snaps the hand cuffs into place.

"Oh, baby, you are so hot like this," Kurt whispers. Blaine stares up at him, wrists pulling gently against the restraints.

It's wonderful, as hot as Kurt dreamed it would be. He has his arms wrapped around Blaine the whole time, trying to make him feel safe despite the fact that he can't resist. Blaine can't stop moving, the muscles in his stomach and hips constantly shifting. He never stops pulling on the restraints. Kurt can feel everything, inside Blaine and wrapped around him. He's surprised at how intimate it is.

Kurt kisses Blaine's neck as he finishes, "You feel so good, baby." Blaine whines and pulls against the cuffs again. "Here, let me make you feel good."

They finish, and Kurt pulls the Velcro straps around the cuffs to release him. Blaine's wrists are turning red despite the soft fabric lining, and Kurt kisses them, worshipping the little marks that show how much he means to Blaine. How much control Blaine is willing to give up to Kurt. Once Blaine is free, Kurt rolls onto his back and pulls the boy into him, into their usual post coital position. Blaine's head is resting on Kurt's chest, Kurt kissing and nuzzling his curls. The rest of Blaine's body curls against and around and over Kurt's; even though his head is under Kurt's chin, their feet wind up together. Kurt loves their post coital cuddling, and snuggles into his soft bed, eager to get to sleep.

Blaine is sucking against one of his knuckles, an old habit from infancy that tends to resurface after sex. He says something, soft and mumbled around the knuckle, that brings Kurt right back into consciousness.

"I'm glad you made me do this."

It's the wording that shakes Kurt awake. Not 'I'm glad we did this' or even 'I'm glad you had me do this'. "Made?" Kurt says, shifting a little to get Blaine to look up at him.

"Yeah. I never would have done this on my own," Blaine says. He tries to make it sound offhand, but Kurt is brought back to the way he trembled as Kurt slid the cuffs on. He thought it was just nervousness and arousal, but…

Kurt remembered the strange smell on Blaine's breath, and recoiled, praying that it wasn't what he thought it was. "Blaine, did you throw up?"

"… Hand cuffs scare me," Blaine says. Kurt's arms tighten around Blaine's body, pulling the boy closer as his mind struggled over the awful implications of what Blaine is saying.

"You didn't want to do this, did you?"

Blaine takes just a second too long to answer. Kurt presses a hand against his mouth and pulls away.

"Please don't be mad at me, Kurt. I'm just scared, that's all. Courage, remember?"

"Courage is something you use when you have to face a bully who wants to beat the crap out of you for being gay, Blaine," Kurt says. "It's not something you should have to pull out to have sex with the person you love!"

"Please don't be mad," Blaine says.

He looks so small and scared. Kurt slides back over, gathering Blaine up in his arms. "Why didn't you tell me that it scared you, Blaine? Why didn't you tell me no?"

"I didn't think that I could," Blaine says.

Kurt feels like he's been punched in the stomach. "Why wouldn't you think that you could say no to me?"

"Because no one else listened…"


	2. Tyler

"Blaine…" Kurt's eyes feel wet, and he blinks rapidly. "What are you talking about? Did someone do something to you?"

Blaine takes a deep breath. "Are you mad at me?"

"Blaine, Blaine," Kurt pulls Blaine even closer, tucking the boy's head under his chin. "My sweet little Blaine. I am not mad at you, I promise."

"Then… can we just go to sleep? I'll talk about it tomorrow, but for right now, I'm scared and tired and my wrists hurt and I just want you to hold me. Can we please go to sleep like normal?"

Kurt can't bring himself to say no. He lays Blaine down on top of him and holds him fiercely, running his hands in soothing circles up and down Blaine's back until the other boy's body goes lax and his breathing turns slow and effortless. Kurt takes longer to slip into sleep, his mind and stomach turning in unison, but eventually the soft bed and warm body around him work their magic.

Kurt always thought the nice thing about being in a homosexual relationship was that there weren't that many assumptions. There was no set breadwinner, no one expected to be the strong one. Blaine and Kurt traded off times to be vulnerable to the other, with no thought for who society thought should take the stronger role.

Kurt was made vulnerable by losing – he remembered one notable afternoon when he lost out on yet another solo and Blaine took him home to cuddle on the couch and watch reruns of Friends, whispering compliments in his ear so often that Kurt couldn't hear the show.

Blaine, on the other hand, was made vulnerable by sex. After sex Blaine would become needy, craving warmth and cuddles and praise. Once the boys tried to have a quickie in Puckerman's closet during a party; Blaine tried to hide it, but he was moody and insecure all evening.

Kurt slides out of bed in the morning. Blaine whimpers and tries to pull Kurt back under the sheets. Kurt knows by now what he needs. He leans over and kisses Blaine's forehead, "You're such a good boy. I love you. I'll be back soon, I promise." Blaine sighs and relaxes, curling into a warm, sleepy ball. Kurt takes one moment to look over the sleeping boy and reflect on how lucky he is. The morning sunlight catches the soft curve of Blaine's cheeks, and he looks like an angel. Kurt leans over to tuck the blanket around Blaine's backside, where it isn't quite covering one cute little buttock. Blaine's body is perfect, he's perfect – and Kurt's heart clenches at the thought that someone could have taken advantage of that.

Blaine is awake when Kurt comes back. Kurt hands him a plate and some waffles, which Blaine takes gratefully. Half an hour later, Blaine has only eaten half a waffle. Kurt suspects he took the food as an excuse not to talk more than anything. Kurt puts the plate away and takes Blaine's face in his hands.

"Blaine, I love you. I will love you no matter what you say right now. You know that, don't you?"

Blaine bites his lips and looks down, "I was fourteen…"

_Blaine sat primly on Tyler's bed, waiting for the other boy to return from talking to his mother. Tyler's room was terribly dirty, piles of laundry littering the floor and letting off the faint smell of sweat and pizza. Tyler's Star Wars sheets were crumpled and faded; there was a stain that looked like rotten peanut butter over Han Solo's left eye._

_"Heya, betch, quit looking at my stuff."_

_Tyler was a greasy seventeen year old, a senior to Blaine's freshman. A few of Tyler's friends had shown him a youtube video where the word "betch" was featured heavily; it had become Tyler's new favorite word for Blaine._

_"You know I hate it when you call me that," Blaine said._

_Tyler smirked, running a hand through his long black hair, "Whatever, betch."_

_He leaned in and captured Blaine's mouth, pushing Blaine down onto the bed and laying on top of him, nearly crushing Blaine with his huge frame. Blaine was able to roll to the side and avoid the peanut butter, but he wasn't quite sure what he was lying in. Blaine's stomach rolled, but Tyler didn't stop kissing him, and it was starting to feel kind of good._

_One of Tyler's hands was digging into Blaine's curls; the other one was making quick work of his shirt buttons. The hand in Blaine's curls made it's way to the top of Blaine's head, reaching the crown and pushing down. Blaine tried to keep his neck straight, but Tyler was much stronger than he was, and soon Blaine's neck was twisting at an awkward angle, "Ow, Tyler, that hurts."_

_Tyler sighed, "It hurts because you're fighting me. The point is that you'll start kissing lower…"_

_"I don't know…"_

_"It'll feel good, I promise."_

_"But we've only been on two dates," Blaine said. Visions of romance still piled up in his head, set there by the Disney movies Blaine had fawned over as a child. Tyler, with his flabby chest and body odor and mean, crass demeanor, didn't really seem much like Blaine's prince._

_"Which makes this the third date, otherwise known as the 'boink or bounce'? I'm the only other gay guy in the school, Blaine. Who else is going to date you? It's not like you have many options." Tyler had a point, one Blaine had often thought over in his insecurity. Blaine sighed and gave in, hesitantly kissing Tyler's chin. He thought it would end soon, but the pressure on his head didn't stop._

_Blaine kissed awkwardly down Tyler's chest, wincing at the thick layer of hair he found there. Tyler's hand never left the top of his head, pressing him steadily downward. He was apparently enjoying himself very much; rolling moans washed over Blaine's back, making him feel filthy and used. Blaine lost track of Tyler's other hand until he heard the sound of a zipper sliding down._

_It was the first time Blaine had seen a real penis up close before, besides his own and a fleeting glimpse of his father's one summer when he forgot to lock the bathroom door. Blaine froze, "Tyler, why are you…"_

_"For a gay kid, you're a little dense about sex, aren't you? Blaine's mouth, meet Tyler's dick," Tyler's other hand dropped on top of Blaine's head, doubling the weight on his neck._

_"N-no, thank you," Blaine said. Tyler smirked down at him._

_"You want me to go with you to that dance, don't you? Come on. You do this one little thing for me, and I'll take you."_

_Blaine looked up at the other boy, and something unpleasant started twisting in his gut. "I don't care, I'll go with Lucy. I really don't want to do this." Tyler looked at him for a long moment, before his face twisted into a sour expression._

_"Too bad."_

_"Tyler, no," Blaine struggled, trying to sit up, but Tyler's large hands pressed against both sides of his face, forcing his head down despite Blaine's attempts to get away. Tyler squeezed down, creating a sharp pressure in Blaine's skull. "Ow, Tyler that really hurts! Please, stop, please." Blaine's eyes filled with tears, his heart pounding wildly as the head of Tyler's penis came into view, just inches from his mouth. It was obvious that Tyler didn't wash here any better than the rest of his body; the smell was thick and awful, and Blaine gagged, tears starting to run down his face._

_"Just relax, sugar. You're going to enjoy this."_

"Tyler forced my head down; he made me… suck him off." Kurt let out a stifled sob, and Blaine misunderstood his heartbreak, "I didn't lie about being a virgin, Kurt, I promise. You were the first boy to ever… be inside me. But I did give a few blowjobs, and someone put his fingers… you knew about that, I told you that!"

"Blaine, Blaine," Kurt soothed his boyfriend. "I know, I'm not mad at you. Keep going, baby."

Blaine was still naked under the covers, and Kurt was struck by how very vulnerable he was. "I guess Tyler must have bragged about it to some friends, because by the time I got to school on Monday, I was known as the school… cocksucker. The other guys would knock my books out of my hands and wait til I knelt down to get them, then push my face against the front of their jeans. A couple of girls even did it. They thought it was funny."

Blaine took a deep breath, and Kurt rubbed slowly up and down his back. "I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't actually that bad," Blaine said, "Well, it was, but I wish that was all that happened. At that Sadie Hawkins Dance I told you about, they didn't just beat me up. When they were done hitting me, they handcuffed my hands behind my back and forced me to - "

Blaine started sobbing, quiet sniffling sobs that made his shoulders shake. Kurt pulled him closer, "It's okay. I've got you, they can't hurt you anymore…"

"I thought they were going to kill me, Kurt. I thought they were going to choke me to death, and I was so scared…"

So that's why he was afraid of handcuffs. Kurt shut his eyes tight, and kissed the soft spot behind Blaine's ear as gently as he could. "None of them listened when you told them no."

"They punished me for it. I was worthless to them, just a hole to violate… these guys weren't like Karofsky, they weren't gay and trying to hide it. They just wanted to humiliate me and hurt me… I begged my dad to let me transfer, I told him I would die if I had to stay at that school. I never told him what they did to me, but I think he knew, at least a little bit. He enrolled me in Dalton immediately. Not that it helped…"

"Is that why you couldn't say no to me, Blaine? Do you honestly think I would punish you for that? Do you think I'm like them?"

Blaine shook his head, "No, Kurt, you're nothing like them. I know that, but it's happened so many times, I just…"

Kurt's heart froze. "They weren't the only ones to do that to you?" Blaine shook his head, laughing bitterly.

"They were only the beginning."


	3. Mr Preu and The Council

"After what happened, my dad was determined to get me into Dalton. It was expensive, but he was more than willing to pay whatever it took..."

_"You promise he'll be safe?"_

_Blaine sat next to his father, staring up at the well-dressed elegant woman who functioned as Headmistress of Dalton academy. Blaine was curled up in a large leather armchair at his father's side, uncomfortable, afraid to touch anything for fear of getting it dirty. Everything here was so... beautiful._

_Professor Morningside looked from father to son, "Mr. Anderson, the safety of my boys is my highest priority, and the highest priority of this school. We can give pictures of all of the boys who were harassing Blaine to our security, and alert them not to let the boys on campus. Many of the students here are escaping from abusive school environments themselves; and we have an absolute zero-tolerance bullying policy. We have a gay-straight student alliance on campus to help Blaine meet people with similar experiences and those supportive of him. And, of course, Dalton offers one of the top educational standards in Ohio."_

_She slid a shiny pile of papers across the table. Dad's eyebrows rose at the number under 'Tuition'; he glanced at Blaine and then signed them in one swift motion._

"My mom didn't approve. She and my Dad are divorced, and she's always on him about how he's raising me."

_"You're letting him change schools again?"_

_Blaine huddled in a corner of his room, clutching the phone to his ear, trying to keep his breathing quiet so his parents wouldn't catch him eavesdropping._

_"I'm doing what's best for Blaine..."_

_"Doing what's best for him?" Mother laughed, "You don't know what's best for him. First you let him get half-killed at some stupid dance and now you're spending all of this money on him going to a new school! You can't afford it, you know you can't. How will you buy him food, huh? How will you pay for a home for him to go back to?"_

_Blaine could hear his father shuffling; he always paced when he was stressed. "I'll figure something out."_

_Mother sighed. "Perhaps it was a mistake to let you take him. Perhaps I should call my lawyer."_

_"... Don't make me beg, Maria," Dad said._

_"Beg for what? He'd be better off with me, I wouldn't be letting him date boys and change schools in the middle of the year. You spoil him!"_

_"Please don't take him away." __Dad whispered. "__He's all I have, you know that. Please." Blaine put the phone down. He didn't want to hear anymore._

"She threatened to take me away from Dad if he continued to spend so much money on Dalton." Blaine said. Kurt squeezed Blaine's shoulders gently; he knew how much it would hurt Blaine to be separated from his father. "The only way I could go cheaper was through a music scholarship. So I went to Mr. Preu."

"Mr. Preu?"

"He directed the Warblers when I was a freshman. Being a Warbler meant an instant cut in tuition fees. I performed for him, begged him to let me into the Warblers even though I'd come in a month late. He offered to let me audition for a solo. I got to the top of the audition heap so easily, I could barely believe it. For a second, I really thought he loved my voice. But then I went into the last audition..."

_Blaine bounced into the room, his smile widening when he saw Mr. Preu and the Warbler council in chairs at the end of the table. Mr. Preu lounged lazily in his chair, his dull amber eyes scanning up and down Blaine's body. Checking for proper singing stance, probably. Blaine threw his chest our, planting his feet firmly shoulder's width apart. _

_"Hi, I'm Blaine Anderson, and I'll be singing-"_

_"That won't be necessary," Mr. Preu said lazily. He was wearing a strange, ugly expression, and Blaine realized that he was kind of an ugly man. He had a balding patch at the top of his head and a thick pot belly that stretched out before him, straining upwards when he breathed, "This isn't a singing audition."_

_"Oh," Blaine said uncomfortably, "Then what is it?"_

_Mr. Preu smirked, "Come here."_

_Blaine stepped forward, until he was standing right over the teacher. Mr. Preu pulled him forward, on top of him, and Blaine suddenly realized that he was hard._

Not again, _Blaine thought, _Not again, please not again.

_Mr. Preu saw his panic. "Soloists," He said clearly, "Get another fifty percent off tuition."_

_"_I jerked them all off, and I got the solo. And then I did it again and again. My dad didn't have to pay tuition that semester. My mom stopped threatening to call her lawyer. Everything was perfect again."

"Blaine, you did what you thought you had to," Kurt said softly, scared by the bitterness in Blaine's voice. Deep down inside, Kurt boiled with anger, boiled as he thought about how strongly Blaine had reacted when a passing jock had accused Mr. Shue of being a child molester. Kurt had never dreamed it was because a teacher had taken advantage of Blaine in the past.

"I learned how to please all of them. I learned that Connor liked it when I licked the spot behind his ear while my hand was wrapped around his dick. I learned that if I twisted my hand a certain way, Bryan would start bucking and cursing and I'd be sure to get a solo the next day. I learned that Mr. Preu liked it rough; he used to grab my hips and force them against his, grinding against me until he was done. He left bruises. That's what gave him away."

_Blaine stared at his reflection in the mirror, wincing as he dabbed Neosporin on the little crescent moon cuts Mr. Preu's nails had left in his hips. The long, dark purple lines that bloomed along his sides were tender; they shrieked in pain when Blaine touched them. Still, Blaine was pleased with his audition today. He had done everything right this time, he was sure of it. Mr. Preu would have to give him the solo again and Daddy wouldn't have to pay any money to send him to school and Mom wouldn't accuse Daddy of spoiling him and he wouldn't have to leave home. Everything would be fine..._

_Blaine was too busy telling himself that to notice the door opening. He hissed as he rubbed disinfectant into a particularly deep mark, then looked up to see his white-faced father standing in the doorway._

_"Dad!" Blaine cried, pulling a blanket off of the bed to cover himself with._

_"Where did you get those marks?" Dad asked with carefully controlled fury. Blaine shook his head, trying to think of some excuse. Daddy pulled the blanket away and stared at Blaine's hips, breathing heavily through his nose. "Blaine Joseph Anderson, you tell me the truth right now. Who made these marks on you?"_

_"Mr. Preu," Blaine said weakly._

_And Daddy exploded._

"I'd never seen him get angry like that. He called the police and the school and everybody. He demanded that Mr. Preu be fired. He was, of course. and Professor Morningside apologized about a thousand times. She offered to refund tuition Daddy hadn't even paid. She felt really bad about it; she was crying when she apologized to me. She asked me if anyone else had been involved, and I said no."

"Why didn't you-"

"Because I was scared! They were talking about disbanding the Warblers, and I couldn't let them do that. Every other boy in the group would lose his scholarship, and some of them couldn't be at Dalton without it. I couldn't be at Dalton without it, and I was determined to stay there, no matter what..."

_"I'm pulling you out of Dalton," Dad said, filling the silence that had settled over the car on their way home._

_Blaine had been staring out the window, his arms wrapped around himself. He jumped and stared at his Dad, "What? Daddy, no!"_

_"You aren't safe there."_

_"They fired Mr. Preu, he's going to jail for what he did..."_

_"And how many of those council boys helped him do what he did, Blaine?" Daddy asked._

_"None of them."_

_Daddy sighed heavily, "I don't believe you. I wish I could, but I don't."_

_"You can't pull me out of Dalton, Dad," Blaine said. "If I change schools again, Mom'll say you can't stick to anything. She'll call her attorney, you know she will."_

_"... Maybe that would be better for you."_

_Blaine swallowed hard and stared back out the window, "You don't want me anymore?"_

_"No, Blaine, no. Don't you ever think that! But you gotta admit, Baby Boy, my track record as your dad isn't that impressive. I'm so sorry I let this happen to you, you'll never know how much, and I can't help thinking... you might be safer with her."_

_"I wouldn't."_

_"Blainey..."_

_"I wouldn't! I want to stay here with you, I want to go to Dalton." Daddy was silent, so Blaine brought out the big guns, "Please, don't make me beg."_

"He let me stay there; Daddy's never been good at telling me no. The council stayed around, kept the private auditions, but this time I was determined to be the only soloist. I was determined to keep other boys from going through what I did. The next council, David and Wes and Thad were better to me, kinder to me. But Thad was kind of in love with me and David was consumed by Warbler tradition. Wes never let me audition for him, but he wasn't strong enough to over rule the others."

"I hate them all," Kurt said.

"I don't think they ever knew that I didn't want it," Blaine said. "I always acted like I did. I always beat the competition in the second audition, and I learned how to please so well that they wouldn't need anyone else. And then you came along. Kurt, you don't understand how beautiful you are. How appealing and attractive and talented you are. The council wanted you so badly, and I had to keep you away from them..."

Blaine was giving him those eyes again. Those please-don't-hate-me, please-don't-be-mad eyes. Kurt sighed and kissed him again, "You're so brave, my little Blaine."

"I couldn't let them take you, Kurt. You were the most amazing person I had ever met, and I couldn't let them hurt you. But I knew you needed the solos. So I made you duet with me, refused to let you make it passed the first round of auditions, and offered the council something they couldn't refuse in place of you..."

"And what was that?"

"My mouth."

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut against the painful images, "Blaine..."

"I'm not sorry I did it. You gave me hope. You gave me the strength to move away from Dalton, to be myself. For a while, I thought that no one would ever hurt me like that again."

"But you were wrong?" Kurt said carefully. Blaine stared at him sadly.

"Oh, Kurt. Of course I was."


	4. Jeremiah

Kurt sat up on the bed, pressing his hand on top of Blaine's, "Tell me."

It wasn't really a command, but Blaine treated it like it was, taking a deep breath and reluctantly starting, "It all started about a year and a half later, just before I met you, actually. I realized that nothing was going to change. You know, for me. I started to think that maybe it was just..." Blaine shrugged and sighed, "Always going to be like that. I was never going to have... s-sex the way everybody else did. It was never going to be my choice. And maybe it was because I did something wrong, you know? Maybe if I stood up for myself, and I wasn't so damn scared-"

"Blaine."

Blaine submitted to the arms Kurt wrapped around him. "I was really messed up. And I just wanted someone to like me. Just 'cause I was me, without sex involved. And so I started dressing differently, acting different. I wore my uniform all the time, and then one day, my dad said something about it, and I thought he didn't like the way I dressed. So, I went to the gap."

_"That looks good on you."_

_Blaine turned from the mirror to the sales guy behind him. Cold blue eyes swept him up and down, stopping where the blue collared shirt hit his waist. The man flicked his long blonde hair over one shoulder and smiled at him. "Yep. It definitely suits you." There was a name tag on the guy's chest. Jeremiah._

_What a lovely name._

_Blaine looked away, nervously, then back at Jeremiah's forehead. No one would like him if he didn't at least try to look at them. "Thank you."_

_"Do you need me to get you anything?" Jeremiah was fidgeting, but his voice was firmly polite._

_Blaine shook his head, "No, thank you." His courage failed him, and Blaine turned to dart towards the dressing room, throwing himself out of sight. But there were suddenly hands on his shoulders._

_"Here, let me help you straighten this," And then a quiet voice hissing at his ear, "I know this is weird, and totally unprofessional, but do you want to go out with me?"_

_It was the first time anyone had ever offered. Blaine nodded sharply, then looked away, loosing his nerve entirely. Jeremiah smiled and made loud, simpering sales pitches, showing him that the shirt would look especially nice when tucked in just so. Blaine finally retreated to his dressing room with a red face, a not entirely unpleasant burn low in his stomach, and a number hastily scribbled onto a piece of paper in his pocket._

"We went and got coffee. It was nice. Jeremiah told me about how he'd sensed that I needed a friend. We held hands. We kissed." There was a strange, melancholy look to Blaine's dark eyes. "He made me feel like I was a person. Just a guy on a date."

"I understand," Kurt said.

Blaine nodded jerkily, and licked his lips. He hesitated for one long moment. "I put out on the first date. I gave him a hand job in his car outside of Marciellos in the Steamtown Mall. Just for buying me a cup of coffee and listening to me. I am such a slut."

"Blaine, don't," Kurt said. He turned Blaine to face him. Blaine's face was hot, his mouth twisted in shame. "Don't call yourself that. You're not a slut."

"You don't understand," Blaine said, working his face for a long time before actually saying the words. "I liked it. It was the best sexual experience I'd ever had up to that point because for the first time, I wanted it. I wanted to make a boy feel good and I did. I liked it, Kurt."

"I know. It's okay that you liked it," Kurt tried to keep his voice level. "I'm not going to get mad at you."

"Okay," Blaine let out a shivery sigh, staring at Kurt with those terrified eyes that just hurt. "We went on a couple of walks together. We held hands some more; I did other things. Some nights I didn't really feel like it, but I felt like Jeremiah expected it, you know? The one time I said I didn't feel like doing anything, Jeremiah got all quiet. Then he just stopped talking to me. And I was so scared that he didn't like me anymore that I changed my mind right away. And once I had sex with him, everything was sunshine and rainbows. Jeremiah would always hold me afterwards. He always told me how great I was."

_"That was nice," Jeremiah said. Blaine hmmmed, body still thrumming from the effects of coming with his own hand down the front of his jeans. Jeremiah never really seemed to think about touching his penis, but that was okay. Maybe when they were married. "You're so beautiful."_

_Blaine's eyes shone as he looked up at the man of his dreams. "Thank you. You're amazing, you're wonderful." They kissed, Jeremiah's tongue slipping between his teeth and exploring there, forcing a tiny little flame into his exhausted body. Blaine slipped his hands around Jeremiah's neck, then his arms, pulling himself closer. The air smelled of sweat and semen and cigarette ashes, and Blaine had never been so charmed._

_"Can I try something?" Jeremiah said. __He was so handsome._

_"Sure," Blaine said._

_Jeremiah smiled down at him; the approval filling Blaine with warmth. "Great." And he started removing Blaine's pants._

_Blaine gasped, his spent cock jerking softly. Was Jeremiah was going to touch him? Make him come? No one had ever done that for him before; in that way, Blaine was still a virgin. Jeremiah confirmed his suspicion at first, drawing his fingertips along Blaine's naked flesh and making the boy arch upward, into the pleasure. "Beautiful." Jeremiah laid open mouthed kisses against his skin. "Beautiful." And then the finger was trailing along the underside of Blaine's hardening cock, swirling over his balls and making sublime pleasure slip through him. And then touching a place behind them, underneath Blaine, and Blaine liked that too._

_The fingertip stopped against his hole._

_Blaine tensed, and Jeremiah moaned as the soft flesh fluttered closed around his wet fingertip. He was pushing it in before Blaine could decide whether he wanted him to._

_And then there was pain. Blaine didn't know about preparation, beyond a few random internet articles that said it was definitely NOT supposed to be done like this, with a barely wet finger forcing itself inside him. Jeremiah groaned and fell on top of him, rubbing his hard, flushed cock against Blaine's exposed hip and pushing his finger further inside Blaine._

_"Ow! Ow, Jeremiah, that hurts!"_

_"It's supposed to hurt a little, but it's going to feel good if you let it," Jeremiah kept kissing him, ignoring the shrieks of pain when Blaine involuntarily tightened around the too dry finger inside of him. "You've been begging for this since the first night. You can't jerk a guy off and not let him go a little further, it's rude. Just let it happen Blaine. You want this." _

_Blaine wasn't sure about that, but Jeremiah seemed so positive. He tried to relax, but Jeremiah chose exactly the wrong moment to push another finger in, ignoring Blaine's bodily defenses._

_"Ugh, this really hurts."_

_"You're going to like it, I promise."_

_"I don't like it."_

_"You're so tight, Blaine, jeez you're so fucking tight."_

_"Please, take them out." Blaine said. __Jeremiah looked down at him, his eyes unbearably cold._

_"You said yes."_

_"It hurts," Blaine whispered. Jeremiah forced another finger inside of him._

_Blaine started sobbing, then. He wanted it to stop, and he was confused; how could Jeremiah do this to him? "Don't cry," Jeremiah cooed in between thrusts of his fingers. They coordinated with the thrusts of his penis against Blaine's hip, as if Jeremiah was pretending to be inside of him. Blaine was scared. He sobbed harder. "It's all gonna be over soon."_

_"I want it to be over now," Blaine cried. Jeremiah shushed him and then stiffened, grunting and shuddering and coming all over his hip. Then his fingers were out and the pain was lessened and Jeremiah became his hero again, holding him and telling him how beautiful he was and how great he was and how he was just perfect, letting Jeremiah take control like that._

_So, that's what it was. Taking control. Blaine relaxed, the crying fading into sharp sniffles. The fingers that had hurt him so badly a few minutes ago were brushing away his tears. Jeremiah was being so gentle now, his Jeremiah... the man of his dreams. Blaine wasn't going to let what had just happened ruin that._

"I met you right after that. I stopped seeing Jeremiah as often, but every time I did after that, he would have me touch him, and I'd remember what he did to me. And when the touches got rough and painful, I convinced myself that we were so right together that it was okay. He wasn't raping me. The night he slapped me for not letting him do anal, I convinced myself that I was in love with him. Because that made it all okay. Of course, I got that illusion shattered when he told me we weren't even dating."

"Did you ever... tell anyone?" Kurt said slowly.

"I called the police a couple of days after that. He came all over one of my shirts, and I never got around to washing it. I didn't even have to cry rape; I was 15 when he started having sex with me. Too young to date, but... it doesn't matter."

"It does matter, Blaine. I can't even imagine..." Kurt paused, carefully choosing his words, "... How strong you must be. How strong you are to survive all of that." Blaine turned his head to the side and looked at him, and Kurt knew. "There's someone else, isn't there?"

"No, I can't tell you about that one," Blaine shook his head. "You'll hate me, Kurt." Kurt shook his own head, pulling Blaine even closer by the hands, til their foreheads were touching and Kurt was practically breathing the other boy in. "You'll hate me." Blaine's voice trembled on the word hate.

"No, no, no, no, no. Blaine, don't you understand? I can't hate you. I would never hate you. I love you too much. I love you. I love you." Blaine shook his head, and Kurt reached forward, grabbing his biceps. "I won't let you hurt yourself like this. You have to tell me what happened," Kurt said stubbornly. Blaine tried to twist himself away, but Kurt latched on, following him when he tried to move. "Blaine, tell me."

"Let go of me." Blaine said. Kurt gripped him even harder, and Blaine let out a little grunt of frustration.

"Tell me."

"I don't want to!" Blaine yelled, jerking away so violently that Kurt had to let him go. "Why doesn't anyone listen when I say I don't want to?"

Kurt felt the words in a physical burn, as if they'd branded him. He'd ruined everything. "Blaine, dammit, Blaine..." Blaine wrapped his arms around himself, shuddering, almost sobbing. "I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't be pressuring you right now. Blaine, I'm sorry." Kurt tried to touch his boyfriend, but Blaine pulled away, twisting even further into himself. "I love you. And you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I promise." Blaine needed space. Kurt picked up the plate and half eaten waffle, "I'm going to go put this away, but I'll be right back. I love you."

Kurt made it to the door before Blaine spoke.

"It was Rachel."


	5. Rachel

"It was Rachel."

The plate fell to the floor. The half-eaten waffle rolled across the floor and came to rest under the vanity. Kurt hardly noticed, he'd spun around to face Blaine too quickly. "What?"

"It was Rachel. Rachel made me..."

"Have sex with her?" Kurt demanded. Blaine flinched away from the words.

"It wasn't like that," Blaine said.

"Then what was it like, Blaine?" Kurt said. His hands were shaking, his breath coming in harsh little pants that felt like too much and not enough at the same time. He struggled passed the anger. "What happened?"

_"Blaine? Are you asleep?"_

_Blaine wasn't asleep, but so close to it that he didn't bother answering. They were on a bed somewhere, the party was still raging just outside the door, but that didn't matter so much. Blaine didn't care about partying; he didn't want to have fun anymore. The queasy feelings of numb illness were beginning to fill his stomach, and he just wanted to feel safe and contented. And Kurt's warm fingers against his hair were doing just the thing._

_So Blaine didn't answer. He just smiled and snuggled tighter into the warm hand caressing him. Kurt sighed quietly._

_"Hey, dude, what's up? You're missing the party." It was Kurt's brother. Kurt's tall, tall brother. He had a loud voice. Blaine didn't like it, but he didn't say anything. He was too tired, and besides, Finn would louder than him._

_"Would you shush?" Thank you, Kurt. "Blaine's asleep."_

_"Well, let him sleep, then," Finn said in a whisper that was still entirely too loud. "Puck's calling a Mario Kart championship and I need you for our team….. He'll be fine. Come on, Kurt."_

_"Okay, fine," Kurt grunted. There was a long pause, and then the soft, wet feeling of Kurt's lips against Blaine's forehead. And then Blaine was alone. Blaine didn't want to be alone, not really, but Kurt was gone and… Blaine didn't want Kurt to be gone. But he felt kind of dizzy and a little sick, and the bed was soft. Really soft._

_Kurt's fingers were soft. Blaine wondered absently how those fingers would feel if they were buried inside of him, or wrapped around his cock. Kurt wouldn't want him, though, Kurt was a virgin and he was… not a virgin. Jeremiah made him not be a virgin and Tyler and Mr. Preu and then they didn't want him. Why didn't they want him? Maybe Kurt didn't want him, but he could be a virgin for Kurt sometimes, maybe. Blaine licked his lips, trying to think through the fuzziness. Kurt could give him an orgasm. He was an orgasm virgin, so Kurt could do that. And Kurt could be inside him, with his cock. Blaine wanted that, he wanted Kurt to want that…_

_It was a few minutes, or maybe a few hours later that the door opened. Blaine turned toward the light and noise. A warm body landed somewhere near him and Blaine turned toward it, wanting to feel safe._

_"I want you."_

_It wasn't Kurt. It was a girl's voice, Rachel's voice. She hovered over him, and pressed her lips to his._

"_Mmmm, wha?" Everything was hazy in Blaine's head, and he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be kissing her. It felt good, and wet, and kinda hot. She crawled on top of him pulling her dress off of her body and putting her hand between his legs. Something inside Blaine lurched. He didn't want this._

"_I want you, don't you want me?" Her breath smelled bad, like alcohol. Blaine turned his head away._

"_Nn-"_

"_Shhhh," Rachel covered him with her body, pulled his pants off. Then she was touching him. She was taking away the only virginity he had left._

"_No," Blaine said, fear easing the haziness. "No, Rachel, that's mine…"_

"_You're hard," Rachel breathed. And Blaine was. She ran her hand up him and Blaine bucked. It felt so good, why did it feel good? He was supposed to be gay; this wasn't supposed to feel good. Rachel pulled off her panties and climbed on top of him, rubbing herself against him. When it first slipped in, Blaine gasped with mingled fear and unbearable, all-encompassing pleasure. "You want me. You want me."_

"_That's Kurt's. Rachel, please, that's Kurt's…"_

"_You want me. I need this for my song. I'm gonna write a song about you, and it's going to be so good. Finn's gonna want me, everyone's gonna want me." Rachel clenched around him, and he was going to come. He was going to come for the first time inside a girl. A girl who was using him to write a song. Everyone used him. Blaine wasn't allowed to say no._

_That was the night Blaine gave up trying. He came inside Rachel Berry in a room off of her parent's basement. When Rachel was gone and his strength had returned, he got his clothes on, stumbled over to where the boys were playing Mario Kart, and begged Kurt to take him home._

"_We're playing, Blaine." Kurt said, "You want to play?"_

"_I wanna go home," Blaine said, "Please, Kurt, just take me home. I don't wanna be here." And all the emotions caught up to him and he started retching and sobbing. Someone handed him a basket and he threw up into it, still sobbing and begging Kurt to let him go home. Kurt carried him out to the car. Blaine, terrified of how his father would react if he saw him this way, asked timidly if Kurt would let him stay at his house._

_He was too afraid to say no when Rachel asked him out the next day._

"And," Kurt paused, his lips trembling with anger, "How is that not her forcing you to have sex with her?"

"She didn't know what she was doing. She was drunk…"

"You were drunk," Kurt said, "You were drunk and helpless and she… she assaulted you thirty feet away from me."

"She didn't even remember it the next day."

"Well, lucky her. She gets to forget while you're traumatized and terrified. She gets to rape you, and you get to feel like this and special little Rachel Berry doesn't have to remember ANYTHING!" Kurt rushed over to the vanity and swept his arm across the surface of it, knocking everything on it to the floor.

"Kurt!" Blaine called, though Kurt could barely hear it. The pounding in his ears and tinkling of glass falling to the floor was blocking out his boyfriend's voice.

Kurt grabbed a pillow and pressed his face into it, releasing a long scream that ended in a sob. "I can't take this anymore, Blaine! You didn't deserve this. I can't believe them, I want them to pay. I want them to hurt for hurting you."

"I deserved this. I shouldn't have said no…"

"Dammit, Blaine!" Kurt threw the pillow at the bed, and Blaine shied away from him. "I'm sorry, I'm just… what she did was wrong. You know that, don't you? She made you feel like you weren't allowed to say no to anyone, to me…" Kurt froze. "Blaine?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you want it the first time?"

"What?"

Kurt took a deep breath, "The first time we had sex. Did you want that? Or am I just another person who took a normal sexual relationship away from you?"

"…"

"Blaine. Please say something."


	6. Kurt

"Kurt, I-"_  
><em>

"In the car, outside of Scandals," Kurt bit his lip, started pacing, "I knew something was up with you, I knew it! You were trying to get it over with when you were drunk so that you wouldn't have to... oh, G-"

"Let me explain." Blaine said, "Yeah, I freaked out beforehand because I wasn't sure if I was ready."

_"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Kurt said, breaking away from the slow, lazy kisses and touches they'd exchanged so far. Blaine willed his hands to stop trembling. Everything felt too intense, rushing across his skin and into the bed spread beneath him. Kurt's skin was stained red and Blaine's shaking fingers were trailing over the bulge in between his boyfriend's legs. Kurt's pants were gone, only plain white briefs separating them. Blaine closed his eyes and huffed out a sigh as Kurt slid his underwear down his legs. No more barriers between Kurt's eyes and his body and Blaine was terrified that Kurt could see what was written there. The abuse felt like a stain on his body, like lines of dirt and he held his breath. But Kurt only gasped and pressed their lips together, "I love you so much. You're so beautiful."_

_"I love you, too." Kurt's hands ran down Blaine's sides as Blaine removed the last stitch of Kurt's clothing. Kurt's cock stood, hard and dark pink and swollen at the head and what little blood that remained in Blaine's head left it. "You're perfect."_

_"I'm so glad that you're my first," Kurt whispered._

_It was the only thing Blaine had left to offer. "I want you inside me."_

_He looked up, and Kurt's eyes were wide and stunned and jewel bright. Kurt just stared at him for a moment, before shaking himself and turning to where they'd put the lube and condoms on the dresser. Blaine heard him gasp and curse as he fit the condom onto himself. He wouldn't have been surprised if that was Kurt's first time touching himself. He heard Kurt squirt the lube onto his fingers, then the pressure as he settled in on the bed. Blaine spread his legs, exposing himself like he'd never done for anyone else. And Kurt reached his hand in and gently, so, so gently, ran his fingers almost reverently against Blaine's perineum._

_Blaine bit his lip and rubbed his ankles against each other, fighting the urge to crush his thighs together and stop the overwhelming sensations running up his spine. Kurt glanced up at him through wide splayed lashes, and then the fingers catch against the soft puckered skin that marks Blaine's entrance and press in; almost hesitantly._

_Blaine tensed, remembering Jeremiah and the pain, but then he took a deep breath and forces his body to relax. Kurt's eyebrows drew together, and there was a shove and then tightness and a little bit of pain but Kurt's kissing him and whispering, "Are you okay? A-am I hurting you?" And it sounded like he meant it, like he cared about him, and Blaine smiled and kissed him back._

_"It's okay. Just... don't move yet, okay?"_

_He expected Kurt to shove forward anyway, but Kurt's fingers only stretched involuntarily, searching for something inside of him. "Okay."_

_Blaine took a thousand breaths, then nodded. And Kurt's fingers burrowed inside of him, spread, stretched opened him completely. A thousand breaths later and Kurt was pushing in with his - with him and it felt... better than Blaine expected. It didn't feel good exactly, but it didn't hurt and to Blaine, that was as good as pleasure. They tried to shift together, but there wasn't enough lube and Blaine hissed._

_"Oh, I'm sorry," Kurt pulled out a little bit, and Blaine could feel him pulse inside of him. Kurt stretched awkwardly to the other side of the bed, thrusting involuntarily as he did and grunting as Blaine's body grips and protects and massages him. He re-lubed himself and began thrusting faster, harder, gasping out, "Blaine, Blaine, so beautiful, Blaine..."_

_And Blaine tried to hold back the tears, but a few broke loose and tumbled down his cheeks and Kurt kissed him and whispered sweet nothings, still aware of him even while being overwhelmed by his own pleasure. Blaine had never felt like this before; invaded, yet somehow warm and worshiped and loved._

_He felt like a virgin again._

"Okay." Kurt's eyes welled up, his legs started shaking. He turned and tried to walk away, "Okay, okay."

"No," And Blaine rushed over, taking Kurt's face in his hands, "No, you don't get what I'm saying. I wasn't sure if I was ready at first, but that night... was the best night of my life. It was the first time that someone had ever listened to me, and I... I really appreciate that, Kurt. You didn't... rape me. I was comfortable our first time, I promise."

"But not this time." Kurt's looking him in the eyes, and Blaine can't lie, "Blaine, I forced you to do something you weren't comfortable with last night, and I'm sorry. But the worst part of it was that you didn't tell me. And if you won't tell me, I can't stop this from happening again. Blaine, I'm sorry, but... something's gotta change here."

And the room felt cold. The breath was rushing out of Blaine's lungs and he was whispering, barely whispering, "No. N-no, no, Kurt, please. I'm sorry, I know I screwed up, but don't break up with me, please."

Blaine begged and his palms went together and his eyes misted over and something in Kurt's expression just broke.

"Blaine, I'm not breaking up with you," Kurt's fingers brushed against Blaine's cheeks, smoothed over his hairline, "But we have to fix this. Which means, we can't be... intimate, until you get help."

"Help?"

"Go see a counselor. Talk to your dad. Whatever you have to do to realize that you're worth more than what you're letting people do to you. And I will be with you every step of the way, I promise. Because I absolutely adore you, Blaine Anderson. I love you."

"I love you, too." Blaine said.

Kurt gave him a tearful kiss, "Now, come on. Let's get you dressed."


End file.
